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Welcome to the struggle of the day and the skill used.

Friday, October 15, 2010

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS: Ending Harmful Relationships - The Alpha Male

There's a certain psychological type that is toxic to me.
and that is...........the ALPHA MALE.

The Alpha Male is deadly to my well being and must be avoided at all costs.

I usually gravitate to an Alpha Male. 
..I need to remind myself every time that
..it is the intensity of the Alpha Male that attracts me and that intensity isn't love.
Alpha males are about exhibiting traits that are essentially masculine or “macho. 

In work settings, the alpha male may be a natural leader, exuding confidence. But he also may be contentious, demanding and difficult to work with. This is thought to be in part due to the alpha male attempting to retain his stature, however unconsciously, as alpha.

Being the top salesperson, the quickest worker, the most aggressive boss may contribute to remaining at the top, and the alpha male has a tendency to respond aggressively to any attempts by others to outshine him. 

In the human setting, the alpha male usually doesn’t fight physically, but instead acts with language, brusque or dismissive behavior, or with other tactics to remain at the top.

Though leaders in a company are excellent to have, alpha male characteristics in the workplace may not always be seen as positive. Aggression and disregard for others are not necessarily inspiring. 

Questions remain as to whether the alpha male can retain mates, since relationships often require ability to compromise, to discuss feelings and to be sensitive. Some alpha males have these characteristics typically thought of as beta, but many of them lack such traits. 

Here are some alpha male characteristics.
#1) Strong body language.  He maintains good posture, even if it's tiring or painful.  He makes eye contact with people.  He takes up space.  His gestures and eye movements are slow and deliberate.
#2) He doesn't qualify himself.  A natural alpha male doesn't feel the need to explain or apologize for his behavior, nor does he find it necessary to prove himself to others or brag about his success.  He's pleased if you like him, but he doesn't care if you don't.  
 #3) He is the center of attention.  He will often physically be in the center of a group, and other members of the interaction will be oriented towards him.  He leads conversations, tells jokes, and makes decisions for the entire group.
#4) He is calm and confident.  He doesn't act nervous around women or other dominant men, and he doesn't feel the need to act tough or fake self-esteem in order to appear self-assured.
#5) He is not easily impressed.  Because the natural alpha male is a high achiever, he is not easily impressed with the achievements of others.  He maintains high standards in all situations, and only lets women of high-value earn his attention. 

Whenever I come across a Alpha Male I must remember that this is a deal breaker for my sanity.  I must walk away and shut the door.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

HOW TO MAKE A DIFFICULT DECISION -- Part 1 (Example) The Options and Resolution

Remember my problem?  A decent plea bargain vs. a risky day in court

What Were My Options?

Change, Accept or Let Go?

1.  ACCEPTIf I accept the plea bargain.
  • I don't have to agree with it.
  • I don't have to judge it good or bad.
  • It is what it is.
  • I don't have to fight it or try to stop it.
  • It will pass.
 2.  CHANGE:  What can I change?
  • Can I change the environment?  No.  I will have to go to court either way.
  • Can I change the situation?  No.  I have been charged with a crime.
  • Can I change my reaction to the Plea?  yes, with further work in my head.
  • How do I make the changes?  DBT Skills
  • What resources do I need?  DBT Skills and a willingness from myself.
  • When can I do it?  now.
3.  LET GO:  What part of the plea bargain conflict in my head can I let go?
  • Is it worth it?  Is it worth the trouble of going to court just to have my say?  Not really.  I still will have to separate myself with this someone who is not good for me.  I can do the three states of mind to reconcile this conflict. 
  • Is this something I can leave or let go of, and move on from?  I can do 
  • Pros and Cons to figure this out.
 Once again:  "what can I do that will best help me and others in the present situation right now?"
Resolution:  I worked out emotions and facts in the three states of mind.  Then I worked out the Pros and Cons of each option.  My Wise Mind said it wasn't all that important and I can just Let it Go.  For better or worse my decision is:  Take the Plea Bargain.
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Options.pdf
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/WiseMindWorksheet.pdf
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Change.pdf

HOW TO MAKE A DIFFICULT DECISION -- Part 1 (Example) The Problem

O.K. let's walk through this together.  Here's my problem:
Someone accused me of a criminal act.  They sent me a criminal summons to appear in court.  The summons was for a threatening phone call to inflict bodily harm.  This accusation was not true.  What I did was phone someone and told them about this horrible nightmare I had where I shot them in it.  The person interpreted my phone call as a real threat.  I had to get a lawyer.  The lawyer plead me down to agreeing to sign a no contact order where I agreed to never contact this person again.  If I did that, the District Attorney agreed to dismiss the criminal charges.
The plea bargain bothered me because I did not get to tell my story.  I never even got to go in front of the judge.  Now my choice was did I want to go this Monday to sign a document quickly and go?  Case closed.  Then no more worries about going to jail?
Or did I really want to wait another month for the court hearing and tell my story and possibly be found guilty of criminal charges?

Go to:  "How to Make a Difficult Decision - Part 1 (Example) The Options"

HOW TO MAKE A DIFFICULT DECISION -- PART 1: Options

"Do you have a difficult decision to make?  I did too.  These DBT Skills helped me out."
First ask yourself:  
What Are My Options?
(There are three)
I. Change:
  • What can I change?
  1. Environment
  2. Situation
  3. My Reaction
  • How can I make the changes?
  • What resources do I need?
  • When can I do it? 
  • What do I do first?  
II.  Accept:
  • It is what it is.
  • I don't have to agree with it.
  • It will pass.
  • I don't have to deal with it immediately. 
  • This is just every day stress and strain
III.Let Go:
  • Is it worth it?
  • Is this something I can leave or let go of, and move on from?
Finally, ask yourself:

"What can I do that will best help me and others in this particular situation?"   
getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/options.pdf 

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Please MASTER: Balanced Eating ......Detox Smoothie

Detox Smoothie
Recipe taken from The Hormone Diet by Nathasha Turner, N.D. http://www.thehormonediet.com/ 
I have changed it slightly to my favorite ingredients.

1/2 cup raspberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1/2 cup sliced strawberries
1/4 cup blackberries
1/2 avocado
1 cup SILK Almond Milk (Vanilla)
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 serving vanilla protein powder (Whey or Soy)

Mix all ingredients except protein powder in a blender and blend at a high speed until smooth.
Then add the protein powder and blend it some more.

NOTE:  1 1/2 cups of a frozen four-berry mixture found in the frozen food section of grocery store can be used and is cheaper if you are on a budget.

This is delicious and is recommended as a "breakfast" smoothie to start the day.
 ENJOY!
 


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Skills Target: PLEASE Master

PLEASE MASTER
  • Treat Physical Illness   
       Take care of your body.  
       See a doctor when necessary. 
       Take prescribed medicine.
  • Balance Eating
       Eat nutritious meals.  
       Be aware of food sensitivities.
       Check out : The Hormone Diet
    • Avoid mood Altering drugs
           Abstain from alcohol, too much caffeine, sugar
      • Balance Sleep
             Take supplements to help you sleep.  
             GABA, Melatonin.
        • Get Exercise
               Move your body.
          • Build MASTERy
                Do one thing a day to make yourself 
                  feel competent and in control.

            Monday, October 11, 2010

            ANXIOUS?? Is your heart racing? Don't know why?......

            What Helps...  Name that Feeling!
            Emotion Regulation
            You are feeling anxious, you don't know why exactly.  
            Go to your Emotion Regulation pages that identify the feeling.
            Emotion Regulation Handout #4
            • Fear, distress, dread, edginess, jumpiness, nervousness
            • Uneasiness, panic, overwhelmed...
            • If these words sound right, that's the feeling
            • What has prompted the feeling?
            • A painful situation?
            • A situation where you are threatened?
            Observe and Describe the Feeling.
              Naming the Feeling gives you a sense of control

              Time to try Opposite to Emotion Action

              • If you are fearful and you have the urge to run away, avoid, then approach, go anyway and participate fully
              • If you are angry and you have the urge to attack
              • then gently avoid, be kind, see their perspective
              • If you are sad and you have the urge to withdraw
              • Be with others and increase activity

              STRESSED OUT ?????


              Emergency Detressors
              • If you are overwhelmed and stressed out and beginning to spiral down into negativity.....
              Here's what works
              It's your body that is stressed out.

              • Put your body in hot water...hot shower, hot bath. then
              • put your body in cold water...cold shower, cold bath  (you will begin to calm down)
              • Move your body...walk, move to music
              • Stretch out to music....straddle your legs and stretch, use an exercise ball and stretch back
              • put on Metronome -- a steady fast beat
              • put ear plugs in and lie down and close your eyes
              • open up lavendar essential oil and smell, take it into your brain
              • go out into the sunshine and just sit with eyes closed. (outside air plus sun will calm you down) 
              Remember:  even if it is your mind that is agitated, it is your body that you must attend to.  It is your body that needs a quick change.

              Mindfulness Meditation

              Go outside.  Look at the sun.  Close your eyes.  Breathe.With your eyes closed see the brightness beyond your eyelids.  Feel the warmth of the sun on your face.  Feel the rays of the sun shining brightly and warmly touching every part of your skin.  Breathe.  Imagine this...  The sun is love.  the sun is God.  God loves you.  God's love is always there, even when you can't see Him.  Sometimes it feels like "love", (God),the sun, is far away and can't be found.  It feels very dark and black and cold.  Well, you know, the sun is still there.  It is you who are far away and it isn't your fault at all.  You are orbiting.  You are on the Earth and you are orbiting.  Believe and know that the sun will come back.  Believe and know that love will come back.  Believe and know that God never left you.  You are always loved by God.  Believe and know that God always loves you...every minute of the day.  He loves you with the purity of bright light and with the warmth of a soft blanket.    You are loved. Feel the warm sun on your face and on your skin.  See through your eyelids the brightness and purity and glory that is God loving you.  Breathe.  Feel the love.  and if you want to allow your love to rise back and love the bright, warm light.  Feel the bright , warm light loving you and in turn feel your own love, your own bright light rising and loving the bright light back.  The love comes down and the love goes back again.  You are in that love.  You are beloved.

              Sunday, October 10, 2010

              Plant the Seed

                   You are a special creation.  At a specific time in a specific place under a bright sun or a harvest moon two cells came together to form YOU.  You planted yourself in a womb and received nutrients and grew and one day you dove into the bright light of our world, reached up to the sun and said:  "I am."  Yes, you are a precious child of all that is.  The bright light showered love on you and blessed you and you were loved.  Then things happened.  Bad things .... and there was pain. The pain that people cause on their children.   I felt the pain like you.  I continue to feel the pain.
              But along with the pain I have gotten to know the comfort of love.  I love you.  I love all children who were hurt and abandoned.  I take your hand and say:  "You are a perfect seed."  "Plant yourself."  You take that seed that is you and you plant it into the rich Earth and you cover it up.  This seed is you.  The seed has all the information it needs inside of itself to thrive and live successfully.  Plant yourself.  Let's us together take care of ourselves.  Let's make sure we get watered.  Let's make sure we are embraced by nutrient rich soil.  Let's build a sturdy fence around ourselves for protection.  Let's give ourselves a chance to feel safe, loved and fed.  Together...we can do this.  I encourage you.
              You can.  You can.  You will.